Black orchid toupee

July 16, 2009

Stevie Wonder’s half bald/half dread hair is gross.

Drag Me to Hell was FUN.

Interiors by Woody Allen is sooooooo gooooood.

My zucchini plants are CURSED.

My boyfriend’s farts are starting to smell like his older brother’s which smell like their dad. Not their dad’s farts, but their actual dad. He smells like a big fart sometimes. A fart that smokes cigarettes and eats ground beef. Butt he’s also really entertaining to be around so it’s worth the trade off.

Would you rather have 15 gold medals and the personality of Michael Phelps or zero gold medals and your own personality?

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I want a FAT BABY!!!

April 10, 2009

Today Maury Povich had a show all about FAT BABIES! They were soooooo cute! I want one! You can feed them whatever you want: ribs, fried chicken, fried cabbage, chips, anything. One FAT BABY liked dipping sauces like ranch and BBQ sauce. His momma kept all of his favorite foods on the lowest shelf in the refrigerator so he can help himself. AWWWWWW! SO CUTE! A fat baby chewing on a drumstick with grease all over his face? NOTHING CUTER! Gimme!

Though all the fat babies had giant boobs. All bigger than mine. I wonder what photogs would think about seeing my giant-boobed baby in the grocery shopping cart, eating a cookie cake? I better get a boob job!

I Do Want Yes Scrubs

April 2, 2009

First Scrub Jay sighting of the year! On March 31. On my way to the park.

Cutler, Leno, Scrubs!

Cutler, Leno, Scrubs!

I never realized they had left until I saw this one. Soooo I am guessing that they migrated somewhere for the winter. These birds are really cool. They hop along the fence and watch me and the cats work in the garden. They are also very smart. National Geographic said that they will bury food while another scrub jay is watching and then when the peeping scrub goes away, they’ll unbury their food and move it to a more private locale!

This photo is by LARRY DITTO in case you can’t read the photo and see that his signature is in line to get splattered by scrub jay doodoo. Someone has a low self-esteem.

Smell This Drumstick…

April 1, 2009

No matter how good this video starts, it only gets better.

Sinning with Tiny Tim:

And this video only has 4,130 views on youtube!

I’m a pretty big TT fan and I think this makes me a bigger fan? What did I JUST WATCH? “Never stop saying never” when it comes to overeating and masturbation! 3 hours of sexual attention from TINY TIM? Who is signing up for this?

Let’s re-cap:

Usually we have women who can take on 4 dicks on this show. Today’s gonna be classy. Relatively.

Why are you here, Tiny?
Because I was asked. (Yikes)

The biggest sinner!

Jesus Christ is the answer to life.

Everyone’s full of err-a.

The heart is EVIL.

“Have you ever masturbated?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”

Filled me with “shame, entirely.”

[The lord does not do a very good job giving TT strength to resist whacking it.]

PIZZA MEAL!

“Do you have any recollection of what a woman tastes like?”
“No. Most of the time it was covered with honey or peanut butter…” (“it” referring to a VAGINA).

“That’s getting you hungry.” [You used to be fat].

“I don’t want you to touch me.”

“I don’t want to release myself – I’d be as weak as water.”

“Smooth her body with baby lotion.”

“Still aroused.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“I had a clock there.”

“THREE HOURS”

“I was still aroused.”

Without penetration.

Massage her on the … knees. And? Hands.

Take out the ukelele and play a few numbers.

“Haha, no no. The closest I came to [shoving a ukelele in a vagina] was using drumsticks.”

The end.

Rainbow Butt Splinters

March 30, 2009

Gary Lewis and The Playboys’ “Green Grass.”

This is so sweet!

Whoopi Goldberg’s Stock Plunges

March 28, 2009

Best Record of 2008 (to me).

Sister Act Tha Prequel Muthaf*ck*

Sister Act Tha Prequel Muthaf*ck*

Thanks to http://smarvelousdistro.blogspot.com/2008_08_01_archive.html for the pic!

Boner Appetit: Frozen Yogurt, Tart and Pomegranate

March 27, 2009

Got frozen yogurt from here today for the first time. Heavenly.

I had a Tart and Pomegranate/Acai swirl. The flavors change next week so it looks like I’m gonna have to go back tomorrow and get a quart of that stuff for just $4. I can’t stop thinking about it. Hurry up and set, sun.

“Over TEN MILLION active probiotic cultures per gram”

I could just feel my colon being scrubbed clean. I think you could eat off of it. I seriously doo think some of these probiotics are mood elevators. I have been super pumped ever since eating it. I kinda wish I woulda taken a picture of that dadburned yogurt! Tomorrow. Now, should the picture be of the entrance or the exit?

Cyrkle: “Turn-Down Day”

March 27, 2009

This has been my morning jam of late. Heard this on a comp from the library. Love it! Check out the Re-Run beret!

Boner Appetit

March 23, 2009

I'll say it. The greatest yogurt of all time.

This was recently on sale. Needless to say, we’ve mowed through about 10. It’s one of the highlights of my day, and I don’t mean this in a mopey way. I usually have pretty awesome days – that’s how great this yogurt is.

It’s vegetarian friendly. No gelatin hooves. It’s full of probiotics, allowing for an amicable parting with a nice, smooth, uniformly colored and textured stool.

It does have a wheelbarrow’s worth of sugar. A lot of yogurt does. And these are the kinds my cavities and I like.

Oh, and I mix in this granola THIS!

UNNNGHGHGHGH!

Starbuck, Apollo: From sizzle to fizzle in the biggest bonerkill of all time

March 21, 2009

I think they’re alone now.

There doesn’t seem to be any one a-rou-nd.

Oh hell yeah. Here we go. This is gonna be epic. All that drama between them. Dualla, Anders, Baltar, the prostitute with the kid – lots of trysts for Starbuck and Apollo but we all know they belong together! Oh boy. Can’t wait. The finale isn’t really doing it for me but at least this story line will end with some fireworks. How can’t it? Given their history. The boxing match, the love proclamations on New Caprica in their little dirt plot of land, the time when Kara comes back from the dead and appears to Apollo and makes me ball my eyes out. It’s all there. We’re in for the ultimate love story to finally reach its CLIMAX! Starbuck and Apollo stand next to each other in the field of pretty, green grass. Here we go!:

“What are you gonna do now?”

“I’m gonna go climb mountains and swim oceans and harvest crops and blahbiddy blah”

Then Starbuck disappears.

Then pigeon Starbuck craps, disappears.

Then drunken Starbuck seduces drunken Apollo in a flashback on the kitchen table while Starbuck’s soon-to-be-dead fiance (and brother of Apollo) is passed out drunk on the couch 6 feet away.

No.

Try again.

I’m going to rewind and see if anything changes.

Hmm. No luck.

Ok. I’m gonna go take a poop now and cross “Recommend BSG to everyone I know” off of my to-doo list. This is an official Fizzler of a finale.

It’s not even that Starbuck and Apollo didn’t get freaky. It’s the way things were ended. In the past, there were always obstacles keeping them apart. Dualla. Anders. Communication breakdowns. I loved it all. They were star-crossed, destined, blah blah blah. There was always something magical about all of their interactions.

Not no more. Season 4.5 dropped that ball. Inexplicably. There was no DRAMA in their relationship! No tension of any sort. So we get to the end and nothing happens. (Except we see them acting like bratty assholes while Zach Adama is passed out) There’s nothing to keep them from being together at the end. But for some reason, we are supposed to buy that things are somehow completely different between them because all of a sudden Starbuck has a destiny that must exclude Apollo? Starbuck flies away in her Angel Hummer to do promotional events for God? PFFFFT.

God rebuilds her raptor in season 3, sends her back to Apollo, and says, “Kara Thrace! I command thee! For all of season 4, Acteth Liketh a PRICK TEASE.”

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

All in close proximity will be pleased to know…I am now out of gas. Good night.