Archive for March, 2009

Rainbow Butt Splinters

March 30, 2009

Gary Lewis and The Playboys’ “Green Grass.”

This is so sweet!

Whoopi Goldberg’s Stock Plunges

March 28, 2009

Best Record of 2008 (to me).

Sister Act Tha Prequel Muthaf*ck*

Sister Act Tha Prequel Muthaf*ck*

Thanks to http://smarvelousdistro.blogspot.com/2008_08_01_archive.html for the pic!

Boner Appetit: Frozen Yogurt, Tart and Pomegranate

March 27, 2009

Got frozen yogurt from here today for the first time. Heavenly.

I had a Tart and Pomegranate/Acai swirl. The flavors change next week so it looks like I’m gonna have to go back tomorrow and get a quart of that stuff for just $4. I can’t stop thinking about it. Hurry up and set, sun.

“Over TEN MILLION active probiotic cultures per gram”

I could just feel my colon being scrubbed clean. I think you could eat off of it. I seriously doo think some of these probiotics are mood elevators. I have been super pumped ever since eating it. I kinda wish I woulda taken a picture of that dadburned yogurt! Tomorrow. Now, should the picture be of the entrance or the exit?

Cyrkle: “Turn-Down Day”

March 27, 2009

This has been my morning jam of late. Heard this on a comp from the library. Love it! Check out the Re-Run beret!

Boner Appetit

March 23, 2009

I'll say it. The greatest yogurt of all time.

This was recently on sale. Needless to say, we’ve mowed through about 10. It’s one of the highlights of my day, and I don’t mean this in a mopey way. I usually have pretty awesome days – that’s how great this yogurt is.

It’s vegetarian friendly. No gelatin hooves. It’s full of probiotics, allowing for an amicable parting with a nice, smooth, uniformly colored and textured stool.

It does have a wheelbarrow’s worth of sugar. A lot of yogurt does. And these are the kinds my cavities and I like.

Oh, and I mix in this granola THIS!

UNNNGHGHGHGH!

Starbuck, Apollo: From sizzle to fizzle in the biggest bonerkill of all time

March 21, 2009

I think they’re alone now.

There doesn’t seem to be any one a-rou-nd.

Oh hell yeah. Here we go. This is gonna be epic. All that drama between them. Dualla, Anders, Baltar, the prostitute with the kid – lots of trysts for Starbuck and Apollo but we all know they belong together! Oh boy. Can’t wait. The finale isn’t really doing it for me but at least this story line will end with some fireworks. How can’t it? Given their history. The boxing match, the love proclamations on New Caprica in their little dirt plot of land, the time when Kara comes back from the dead and appears to Apollo and makes me ball my eyes out. It’s all there. We’re in for the ultimate love story to finally reach its CLIMAX! Starbuck and Apollo stand next to each other in the field of pretty, green grass. Here we go!:

“What are you gonna do now?”

“I’m gonna go climb mountains and swim oceans and harvest crops and blahbiddy blah”

Then Starbuck disappears.

Then pigeon Starbuck craps, disappears.

Then drunken Starbuck seduces drunken Apollo in a flashback on the kitchen table while Starbuck’s soon-to-be-dead fiance (and brother of Apollo) is passed out drunk on the couch 6 feet away.

No.

Try again.

I’m going to rewind and see if anything changes.

Hmm. No luck.

Ok. I’m gonna go take a poop now and cross “Recommend BSG to everyone I know” off of my to-doo list. This is an official Fizzler of a finale.

It’s not even that Starbuck and Apollo didn’t get freaky. It’s the way things were ended. In the past, there were always obstacles keeping them apart. Dualla. Anders. Communication breakdowns. I loved it all. They were star-crossed, destined, blah blah blah. There was always something magical about all of their interactions.

Not no more. Season 4.5 dropped that ball. Inexplicably. There was no DRAMA in their relationship! No tension of any sort. So we get to the end and nothing happens. (Except we see them acting like bratty assholes while Zach Adama is passed out) There’s nothing to keep them from being together at the end. But for some reason, we are supposed to buy that things are somehow completely different between them because all of a sudden Starbuck has a destiny that must exclude Apollo? Starbuck flies away in her Angel Hummer to do promotional events for God? PFFFFT.

God rebuilds her raptor in season 3, sends her back to Apollo, and says, “Kara Thrace! I command thee! For all of season 4, Acteth Liketh a PRICK TEASE.”

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

All in close proximity will be pleased to know…I am now out of gas. Good night.

Battlestar Galactica Finale does NOT roll a hard six…. or five, or three, even.

March 21, 2009

For starters, here’s the link to see Katee Sackhoff speaking in Portland, Oregon where she SPOILS a chunk of the finale a week in advance.

Also, I might spell character names wrong, so if that’s a problem for you, take a dump and eat it.

Ok. It’s over. I’m immensely disappointed in the finale, but not surprised since season 4.5 has been going downhill ever since the mutiny ended and Gaeta got lit up.

Where to begin. Ugh. Pfft.

Admiral Adama abandons his son and flies away to watch President Martyr die in his raptor, live alone on a hill by her grave, and wither away. Alone. After everything he just went through with his BSG family. Oooookey doke.

President Martyr never gets any more Hera blood to heal her cancer. That whole CURE TO CANCER story line is never addressed. Aaaaalrighty then.

No one of importance gets KILLED. Tory does – that was satisfying – but not a heartbreaker. No heartbreaking deaths. A wee bit of a puss out.

At the end, everyone, after the ordeal they just went through that lasted 4 seasons, decides to just part ways and live on different continents on Earth Version 2.0. Wha?

So what about Earth Version 1.0 and its little Florida penis peninsula that was clearly visible? The Earth with too much nuclear radiation? Are there two Earths of the exact same build? It’s not time travel, there’s enough to disprove that. Someone please explain. Maybe there’s an easy answer, but I no understand.

I feel bad for the cylons that got no air time in season 4. The PR guy, the doctor, Leoben. To be cast as ONE of only 12 cylons on an immensely successful show and then to not ever get a satisfying frakking story line? Pfft.

Helo gets shot and needs a cane for about 7 minutes. That was the biggest casualty of the battle. Cavill kills himself, which I thought was awesome. And right after he almost gets the keys to the resurrection mobile after being told he’ll have to “take a quantum leap of faith” by Baltar. Something like that.

Baltar. Poor Baltar. His character got neutered right after his bad ass trial. An entire 4th season of his cult followers and the ultimate scientist gets turned into a religious peanut. Bummer. I love the actor that plays Baltar and I think he is perfect, I just think that story line at the finish was unfortunate. At least he and Cap 6 get together. Their little angel versions get together too and live forever. That means they get to live to see the bubonic plague, Limp Bizkit, Sarah Palin and the Ped Egg!

Angels. Everyone’s an angel all of a sudden. Starbuck. PUKE. That’s the explanation for her corpse in her plane? I thought she was the harbinger of death? Turns out the hybrids were just schizophrenics that poop in their own bath water.

Though I did like the scene where Ellen, Tigh, the Chief and Tory grab hold of Anders’ penis in the bathtub to see each others’ dirty laundry. Wonder if Tigh saw Ellen rubbing her foot all up on Apollo under the table? Maybe he’ll kill her again in their new mud hut in Abyssinia. After they find a way to make booze out of goat meat and sand.

Oh yeah – Anders dies, but that’s by choice, I guess. If he’s a robot and the other 4 cylons have the resurrection knowledge, they could technically build a resurrection base and bring back a new Anders. But they don’t. I loved Anders. Too bad.

BUTT if he didn’t die then Apollo and Starbuck wouldn’t be able to get it on, right? Right? So Anders is out of the picture! Apollo and Starbuck are alone in the African bush…

Stay tuned for the next blog to see how it ends!

Obama Hatin’ on Special Olympians

March 20, 2009

So, Obama can’t even spare Special Olympians. Someone needs to take him out into an alley and strike some sense into him with a pin. Or drill three holes into his balls. Something.

Dumb Ditty Dumb Ditty Dumb Dumb Dumb: President Bonehead, Redux

Oh my goodness. My stomach just sunk.  The Prez almost got through his interview with Jay Leno without a hitch and then he goes and makes a “Special Olympics” comment in regard to his BOWLING GAME?  PFFFFTTTT!

 Tomorrow morning I anticipate droves of Special Olympians who bowl a better game than Obama coming forward. I anticipate a “There Will Be Blood”-style showdown with a mustachioed, ass-kicking participant from the Special Olympics treating Obama like the scaredy cat little preacher boy.  Ain’t no Secret Service gonna be able to protect Obama’s milkshake, IT IS ON.

Even though I did not vote for Obama (Chigurh ’08!) I doo love the idea of having a President whose theme song is not:

“I’m a big kid, look what I can do.  I can wear big kid pants, too! And I can pull them off and on! Mommy, WOW! I’m a big kid now!”

Please tell me this didn’t just happen.  I wonder how long Rush Limbaugh will shake his tits at this.  Probably until they sag low enough to touch his  wiener. Until Rush titty-effs himself.

But people should shake their titties at this. This is such a disappointment! Obama is an ASS!  
Last time I felt like this was this one time
when KATEE SACKHOFF spoiled the ending of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!:

“The Road” is Giving Me Gas

March 20, 2009

It’s all of the pent up excitement.  

Viggo. “Proposition” director. Aileen Wuornos. OMAR from “The Wire”!!!!!!!!

I’m actually a little worried about Aileen’s part as it’s supposed to be expanded from the book version. Boo. We don’t need more ooey-gooey man-wife stuff.  I also heard that in the scene with the procession of bad guys, all the boy slaves are throwing beads off of the truck.  Maybe the boy will catch one, put it on, and become invisible?  Until this movie is released, guess I’ll just have to keep releasing. PFFFFFFTTTT.

At LEAST there’s talk of NATIONAL TREASURE 3 in the works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  !!!!!!!!!!!       !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!              !!!!!!!!!!!!           !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!                    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!           !!!!         !!!!!          !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       

  !!!!!!!!!!!        !!              !!             !!!!!!!!!!!!            !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 5 Movies of 2008

March 18, 2009

It’s mid-March, so here are my Top 5 Movies of 2008 (in no order):

In Bruges

The Fall

Let the Right One In

The Dark Knight

Role Models

Honorable Mention: Vicky Christina Barcelona, Doubt, Man on Wire

Benjamin Button was awesome to look at but I can’t doo Brad Pitt in a kinda-cajun accent for 3 hours.

Biggest Disappointment: Burn After Reading. Woulda walked out had I not been with relatives.  That was a stinkfest. And the follow up to NO COUNTRY? I think Coens should stop dooing comedy and kick to bloody ass-kickers.

Oh yeah, I saw “I’m Not There” in 2008 and woulda walked out but was pinned near wall at very end of the aisle and didn’t want to disturb everyone.  So I let myself be disturbed for 5 hours.  I liked Far From Heaven but I am taking a giant leap off of the Todd Haynes boat.  YoBoy!  Cate Blanchett’s Bob Dylan? Ha! Ha! AAAAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hey man, define define man. I mean, am I taking a shit, man? Or is the shit taking me, man?