Starbuck, Apollo: From sizzle to fizzle in the biggest bonerkill of all time

I think they’re alone now.

There doesn’t seem to be any one a-rou-nd.

Oh hell yeah. Here we go. This is gonna be epic. All that drama between them. Dualla, Anders, Baltar, the prostitute with the kid – lots of trysts for Starbuck and Apollo but we all know they belong together! Oh boy. Can’t wait. The finale isn’t really doing it for me but at least this story line will end with some fireworks. How can’t it? Given their history. The boxing match, the love proclamations on New Caprica in their little dirt plot of land, the time when Kara comes back from the dead and appears to Apollo and makes me ball my eyes out. It’s all there. We’re in for the ultimate love story to finally reach its CLIMAX! Starbuck and Apollo stand next to each other in the field of pretty, green grass. Here we go!:

“What are you gonna do now?”

“I’m gonna go climb mountains and swim oceans and harvest crops and blahbiddy blah”

Then Starbuck disappears.

Then pigeon Starbuck craps, disappears.

Then drunken Starbuck seduces drunken Apollo in a flashback on the kitchen table while Starbuck’s soon-to-be-dead fiance (and brother of Apollo) is passed out drunk on the couch 6 feet away.

No.

Try again.

I’m going to rewind and see if anything changes.

Hmm. No luck.

Ok. I’m gonna go take a poop now and cross “Recommend BSG to everyone I know” off of my to-doo list. This is an official Fizzler of a finale.

It’s not even that Starbuck and Apollo didn’t get freaky. It’s the way things were ended. In the past, there were always obstacles keeping them apart. Dualla. Anders. Communication breakdowns. I loved it all. They were star-crossed, destined, blah blah blah. There was always something magical about all of their interactions.

Not no more. Season 4.5 dropped that ball. Inexplicably. There was no DRAMA in their relationship! No tension of any sort. So we get to the end and nothing happens. (Except we see them acting like bratty assholes while Zach Adama is passed out) There’s nothing to keep them from being together at the end. But for some reason, we are supposed to buy that things are somehow completely different between them because all of a sudden Starbuck has a destiny that must exclude Apollo? Starbuck flies away in her Angel Hummer to do promotional events for God? PFFFFT.

God rebuilds her raptor in season 3, sends her back to Apollo, and says, “Kara Thrace! I command thee! For all of season 4, Acteth Liketh a PRICK TEASE.”

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

All in close proximity will be pleased to know…I am now out of gas. Good night.

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5 Responses to “Starbuck, Apollo: From sizzle to fizzle in the biggest bonerkill of all time”

  1. Battlestar Galactica Finale does NOT roll a hard six…. or five, or three, even. « PFFFT Says:

    […] Wipe Yourself « Obama Hatin’ on Special Olympians Starbuck, Apollo: From sizzle to fizzle in the biggest bonerkill of all time […]

  2. Deletham_Tomalak Says:

    You know…maybe we were watching different shows or something. But it all, I don’t know, made quite a bit of sense. To be honest it makes sense that Starbuck disappears like she does. Also we see “God’s plan” as the guiding force so the earth copies would make sense.

  3. Stephen van Egmond Says:

    An awful lot of bile here. Seriously, go back and re-watch it. You’ll like it more. Take a drag on the creativity pipe. You’ll like it even better.

    For me, BSG came out of two commitments the creative people made:

    1. Don’t bullshit the audience
    2. Say something meaningful

    Re: #1

    If Anders magically came back to normal and then paraded around new Earth with his wife I wouldn’t believe it for a minute. I would think I was being played for a sap. As a biological creature he was clearly a vegetable, all that was left was for him to live on as he was. If you believe his flashback, he lived for perfection, not for the win. Dissolving in the heat of the sun is pure, purifying, perfection, and an excellent way to meet his end.

    Re: #2

    The series kicked off in 2003, when the paranoia and violence of 9/11 was still fresh. The story of a humanity attacked seemingly out of nowhere by a faceless, almost unknown enemy, certainly had a lot of resonance. They’ve capably made a number of relevant references to modern times, I’m thinking here of the Occupation story line that had more than a few insightful things to say to a country that was (.. and is..) an occupying force. So it ends on a message of tree-hugging and deep reservations about where our technologies are taking us. I’m glad someone is saying it!

    This finale was unusual in that so many of them are open-ended “you never know what’s gonna happen”. Think of Voyager, think of DS9, think of the Sopranos. This finale says one thing clearly: this story is fucking *over*. Here is how all the people you care about met their end, and here’s the payoff for all the big promises we made during the series. Kara was a harbinger; Roslin did die; they found Earth.

    I have to say, going retroactive to say the planet they found and named Earth was not the one we’re standing on now felt both ballsy and cheap.

    I will end with a story in reference to the 1978 series of Battlestar Galactica. That series has a ship called the Ship of Lights. Look it up. I think they’ve borrowed the script idea, but (and this is a creative choice) didn’t explain it in this series. I’m cool with that.

  4. EEK Says:

    I agree, that was a TOTAL romance fizzle. And even though Boomer turned out to be a giant asshole, I still wanted a reconciliation with the Chief. She handed Hera to them! That deserved a ticket off of the Cylon Colony.

    At least Helo didn’t die. I also thought Adama should have flown the Raptor into the sun.

    Best moments of the Finale – 1. the Chief strangles Tory! The least deserving member of Final 5 status has value after all. 2. Gauis’ realization that farming IS cool. 3. Adama hands the fleet over to Hoshi, at last a gay character on BSG that doesn’t turn into a monster! 4. Restrictor plates coming off those Centurions. FINALLY!

    Worst moments of the Finale – 1. Lee’s hair. 2. Lee’s continued frizzy Kurt Russell hair. 3. No Apollo on Starbuck “We-Saved-the-World Sex” 4. Ron D. Moore briefly taking up almost 50% of the screen in the final scene. Not subtle. Not trying. (More proof he is secretly Billy Mitchell from King of Kong: Fistful of Quarters) 5. Unnecessary Robot montage at the end.

    That was definitely Starbuck-as-pidgeon. A harbinger of things to come… Lee Adama she will come, you will try to swat her, she will shit, and then fly away…

    Question – if Roslin did survive, do you think she’d allow all those different settlements without a central government???

  5. kayarrhea Says:

    Lee’s hair! I thought it was moving into Jerri Blank-in-prison territory at times. The RDM cameo made me puke. Butt I’m glad he had the balls to put himself and his stamp on that final stinkfest – at least HE thought it was good.

    He got so caught up trying to make an ending that none of the fans on the fanboards predicted that he made the only kind of ending no one saw coming: One that sucked.

    Since Adama was gonna mope around for eternity, he def. should have flown that sucker sun-ward! Let Anders stay back and be a bidet for Apollo.

    RDM = Billy Mitchell. Ha. HA. AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Roslin never would have allowed everyone to part. Guess it was Adama’s final eff you to her. Huh?

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