Battlestar Galactica Finale does NOT roll a hard six…. or five, or three, even.

March 21, 2009

For starters, here’s the link to see Katee Sackhoff speaking in Portland, Oregon where she SPOILS a chunk of the finale a week in advance.

Also, I might spell character names wrong, so if that’s a problem for you, take a dump and eat it.

Ok. It’s over. I’m immensely disappointed in the finale, but not surprised since season 4.5 has been going downhill ever since the mutiny ended and Gaeta got lit up.

Where to begin. Ugh. Pfft.

Admiral Adama abandons his son and flies away to watch President Martyr die in his raptor, live alone on a hill by her grave, and wither away. Alone. After everything he just went through with his BSG family. Oooookey doke.

President Martyr never gets any more Hera blood to heal her cancer. That whole CURE TO CANCER story line is never addressed. Aaaaalrighty then.

No one of importance gets KILLED. Tory does – that was satisfying – but not a heartbreaker. No heartbreaking deaths. A wee bit of a puss out.

At the end, everyone, after the ordeal they just went through that lasted 4 seasons, decides to just part ways and live on different continents on Earth Version 2.0. Wha?

So what about Earth Version 1.0 and its little Florida penis peninsula that was clearly visible? The Earth with too much nuclear radiation? Are there two Earths of the exact same build? It’s not time travel, there’s enough to disprove that. Someone please explain. Maybe there’s an easy answer, but I no understand.

I feel bad for the cylons that got no air time in season 4. The PR guy, the doctor, Leoben. To be cast as ONE of only 12 cylons on an immensely successful show and then to not ever get a satisfying frakking story line? Pfft.

Helo gets shot and needs a cane for about 7 minutes. That was the biggest casualty of the battle. Cavill kills himself, which I thought was awesome. And right after he almost gets the keys to the resurrection mobile after being told he’ll have to “take a quantum leap of faith” by Baltar. Something like that.

Baltar. Poor Baltar. His character got neutered right after his bad ass trial. An entire 4th season of his cult followers and the ultimate scientist gets turned into a religious peanut. Bummer. I love the actor that plays Baltar and I think he is perfect, I just think that story line at the finish was unfortunate. At least he and Cap 6 get together. Their little angel versions get together too and live forever. That means they get to live to see the bubonic plague, Limp Bizkit, Sarah Palin and the Ped Egg!

Angels. Everyone’s an angel all of a sudden. Starbuck. PUKE. That’s the explanation for her corpse in her plane? I thought she was the harbinger of death? Turns out the hybrids were just schizophrenics that poop in their own bath water.

Though I did like the scene where Ellen, Tigh, the Chief and Tory grab hold of Anders’ penis in the bathtub to see each others’ dirty laundry. Wonder if Tigh saw Ellen rubbing her foot all up on Apollo under the table? Maybe he’ll kill her again in their new mud hut in Abyssinia. After they find a way to make booze out of goat meat and sand.

Oh yeah – Anders dies, but that’s by choice, I guess. If he’s a robot and the other 4 cylons have the resurrection knowledge, they could technically build a resurrection base and bring back a new Anders. But they don’t. I loved Anders. Too bad.

BUTT if he didn’t die then Apollo and Starbuck wouldn’t be able to get it on, right? Right? So Anders is out of the picture! Apollo and Starbuck are alone in the African bush…

Stay tuned for the next blog to see how it ends!

Obama Hatin’ on Special Olympians

March 20, 2009

So, Obama can’t even spare Special Olympians. Someone needs to take him out into an alley and strike some sense into him with a pin. Or drill three holes into his balls. Something.

Dumb Ditty Dumb Ditty Dumb Dumb Dumb: President Bonehead, Redux

Oh my goodness. My stomach just sunk.  The Prez almost got through his interview with Jay Leno without a hitch and then he goes and makes a “Special Olympics” comment in regard to his BOWLING GAME?  PFFFFTTTT!

 Tomorrow morning I anticipate droves of Special Olympians who bowl a better game than Obama coming forward. I anticipate a “There Will Be Blood”-style showdown with a mustachioed, ass-kicking participant from the Special Olympics treating Obama like the scaredy cat little preacher boy.  Ain’t no Secret Service gonna be able to protect Obama’s milkshake, IT IS ON.

Even though I did not vote for Obama (Chigurh ’08!) I doo love the idea of having a President whose theme song is not:

“I’m a big kid, look what I can do.  I can wear big kid pants, too! And I can pull them off and on! Mommy, WOW! I’m a big kid now!”

Please tell me this didn’t just happen.  I wonder how long Rush Limbaugh will shake his tits at this.  Probably until they sag low enough to touch his  wiener. Until Rush titty-effs himself.

But people should shake their titties at this. This is such a disappointment! Obama is an ASS!  
Last time I felt like this was this one time
when KATEE SACKHOFF spoiled the ending of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!:

“The Road” is Giving Me Gas

March 20, 2009

It’s all of the pent up excitement.  

Viggo. “Proposition” director. Aileen Wuornos. OMAR from “The Wire”!!!!!!!!

I’m actually a little worried about Aileen’s part as it’s supposed to be expanded from the book version. Boo. We don’t need more ooey-gooey man-wife stuff.  I also heard that in the scene with the procession of bad guys, all the boy slaves are throwing beads off of the truck.  Maybe the boy will catch one, put it on, and become invisible?  Until this movie is released, guess I’ll just have to keep releasing. PFFFFFFTTTT.

At LEAST there’s talk of NATIONAL TREASURE 3 in the works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  !!!!!!!!!!!       !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!              !!!!!!!!!!!!           !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!                    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!           !!!!         !!!!!          !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       

  !!!!!!!!!!!        !!              !!             !!!!!!!!!!!!            !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 5 Movies of 2008

March 18, 2009

It’s mid-March, so here are my Top 5 Movies of 2008 (in no order):

In Bruges

The Fall

Let the Right One In

The Dark Knight

Role Models

Honorable Mention: Vicky Christina Barcelona, Doubt, Man on Wire

Benjamin Button was awesome to look at but I can’t doo Brad Pitt in a kinda-cajun accent for 3 hours.

Biggest Disappointment: Burn After Reading. Woulda walked out had I not been with relatives.  That was a stinkfest. And the follow up to NO COUNTRY? I think Coens should stop dooing comedy and kick to bloody ass-kickers.

Oh yeah, I saw “I’m Not There” in 2008 and woulda walked out but was pinned near wall at very end of the aisle and didn’t want to disturb everyone.  So I let myself be disturbed for 5 hours.  I liked Far From Heaven but I am taking a giant leap off of the Todd Haynes boat.  YoBoy!  Cate Blanchett’s Bob Dylan? Ha! Ha! AAAAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hey man, define define man. I mean, am I taking a shit, man? Or is the shit taking me, man?

Frak Off Sackhoff: Starbuck Spoils the Ending of BSG for 500 people

March 14, 2009

Katee Sackhoff (STARBUCK!)  came to the Bagdad Theater in Portland, OR last night to do a Q&A Session after the second-to-last BSG ep aired. I am a pretty big BSG fan and I am super pissed I went. Here’s why.

Non-Spoiler Section:

Things got off to an irritating start when it was announced that KS is friends with Portlander Stefanie Stricklen – a local news reporter who I’ve despised ever since watching her airhead Olympic coverage.  A party-girl type who doesn’t appear to know anything about sports.  She’s the only news reporter who I actually have an opinion of, so this was a bummer.

KS announced several times that she had several glasses of wine before going onstage.  At first mention, I figured it was because she was nervous.  But as the night went on I realized it was because she doesn’t have much respect for the fans or being put together for them.

She had no idea what episode we had just watched.  No idea it was second-to-last EVER.  She often mused before answering a question, “Wait, has this [scene] aired yet?” (something to that nature).

And yes, this lead to a massive, MASSIVE spoiler. I will explain later in the Spoiler Section.  

Katee Sackhoff was nice enough throughout and I’m sure most diehard fans that were there would still lick her pap smear swab. I was put off.  This was an early bad sign: One of the first questions was if it was true that KS had attended high school nearby. She said she went to Sunset High, which got applause, and so I think it is nearby.  I’ve only been in Oregon for a  few years so Pfft if I know.  SO then the annoying radio DJ host of the night says: “Real quick, show of hands, did anyone here GO to high school with Katee?”  No one.  So KS goes on to explain how she was a terror in high school that “made everyone’s life a living hell.”  One of those girls. She said that she was “very immature” back then and that “some people probably thought I was a real C-U-Next-Tuesday.”  A successful meanie. Pfft.

Another question asked how much influence KS had on the character of Starbuck.  KS said that she got to know the character and her motivations so well that she would often times be able to convince the directors to leave her out of a scene (so she could leave the set early and catch the last flight to L.A. to see her boyfriend for the weekend.) She said that.  Along with, “Yeah, I don’t like to work a lot.”  While this totally BAD ASS show was filming, this girl wanted to leave the set.

The icing on the doodoo cake was towards the end when a girl asked Starbuck about the queer influence on the show and to talk a little about the gay story lines.  KS looked a little blank then said, “Well we knew Gaeda was gay. We figured that one out.” (Something like that) But then stopped there.  Then rambled and didn’t really answer the question.  Then the DJs mentioned Admiral Kane and KS goes (paraphrase) “Oh yeah! I totally forgot! Since I wasn’t really in ‘Razor’ I don’t really remember what happened.”  UNNNGHGHGHG. There’s more. So then KS rambles more about how it is a little weird that Gaeda didn’t have a relationship on the show. So the DJ goes, well what about Hoshi?  KS looks blank.  The DJ goes, “Do you remember who Hoshi is?” and KS goes something like, “I remember his name but…” So the DJ reminds her of the Hoshi-Gaeda storyline from the webisodes.  KS is shocked and says, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?……I didn’t know that!  I never saw the webisodes!…. Way to go Gaeda!”  The crowd laughs with her, but I am sure that there were plenty in that 500 person crowd that were shitting charcoal brickettes right along with me.  Yep, still a cunt.

Precursor to Spoiler Section (Where I will explain what storyline was spoiled without actually revealing the spoil):

Ready your hankies, LADIES!  A female fan asked about the Starbuck, Apollo, Anders situation.  MFing KS OUT-OF-NOWHERE explains how it ends!  Breach of Contract! I am so pissed. I want RDMoore and the whole Sci-Fi Channel to know that Katee Sackhoff RUINED the final episode for me. The story line I was most excited to see revealed! Not to mention the greater implications that this story line has in the big picture of BSG lore.  Remember the hybrid ramblings in ‘Razor’?  GODS DAMN HER!

SPOILER SECTION: This WILL ruin the end (or at least part) of BSG for you so enter at your own risk:

In KS’s explanation of Anders and Apollo she mentioned how Michael Trucco (Anders) was in a life-threatening injury while shooting.  (Many already knew this from Wikipedia).  So then she goes on to explain how she had always been very close friends with him and that his injuries made her realize how much he meant to her (the actors, not characters).  (They didn’t know if he would walk again, which is why he’s in the hybrid bathtub on the show, she said).  Sooooo yada yada snooze about her great friendship with Michael Trucco and “So that’s why we end up together on the show.”

Fuck, not frak, you Katee Sackhoff.  Fuck you.  You are a ruiner and you have no respect for the art project you just spent a big chunk of your life making.  She may have said something about her and Apollo still having a kiss or something but fuck that.  She doesn’t even know what episodes have aired.  I HOPE SHE WAS LYING via her complete cluelessness as to what is going on. Maybe the wine confused her. Let’s hope.

Let’s examine the doodoo tarnish this puts on the final episode with the possible implications of her loose lips!:

-No epic Starbuck and Apollo reunion.  This ruins my theory that they were the human-cylon pair of lovers to unite the 2 species. I thought they were gonna fulfill the hybrid predictions. The final ep better put some of the hybrid predictions back in play or else it’s gonna seem messy/unplanned.  

-Anders will probably survive, as will Starbuck

-Remember the boxing match episode? Remember the episode when Starbuck comes back from the dead and her viper appears next to Apollo?  Remember every single interaction between Starbuck and Apollo? Well, it was all a trick.  That story line has been dropped, apparently.  I was never a sci-fi fan. Starbuck and Apollo are a big part of why I liked BSG. Without at least the hope of them ending up together, this final ep. is gonna be a real downer to watch.  I am so sad.

God, I am pissed I went to that Q&A.  I will leave you with one more annoying tidbit from the evening.  KS continually referred to Edward James Olmos as EDDIE.  “Eddie this, Eddie that.”  Just like when people call DeNiro “Bob” or Scorcese “Marty.”  We get it – you’re an insider. For the first few minutes I had no idea who Eddie was.  She is a turd.  Kate is a huge frakking turd.

UPDATE: Here’s the link to my BSG Finale Recap which contains a link to the above Q+A.

Battlestar Galactica Spoilers

February 17, 2009

I’m caught up with Battlestar Galactica through season 4.0. Who is the 12th Cylon??? I think it’s gonna be an Adama. Either the Admiral or Zach back from the dead.  You figure the finale has to bring and ROLL A HARD SIX and so the last Cylon is gonna have to be mind-blowing, and since Tigh is already revealed, and he’s the number 2 guy, then it’s gotta be bigger!  Starbuck is gonna be the interspecies deity to unite the humans and cylons.  I HOPE her and Apollo get together at last.  And he can’t be fat or have this long hair. Boo.  Poor Cylon Anders.  Pffft.  I thought Season 4.0 was not as good as the earlier ones, it was a little boring with the dumb Baltar cult storyline, which seemed out of character.

Tight tights

February 5, 2009

DANG!

“Watchmen” Rules!

I will doo plus/delta:

Plusses:

+Awesome!!!!!!!!!

+Juicy – the nitty, gritty side of being a costumed adventurer. Some are racists! Some are depressed! Some are libertarians! Love triangles, threesomes, super heroes with fat guts. All there, all exhilarating. Sidenote: Started watching Battlestar Galactica while reading this and there are a lot of fun parallels but I will not spoil BSG here except to reveal that the 12th cylon is played by BRENT SPINER!!!!!

+The comic within the comic about the pirate is soooooo fun. Unfortunately I just read it will not be in final cut of movie because it makes the running time too long, butt nothing director’s cut cannot remedy. I almost want to just wait for Director’s Cut butt obviously this is a bigscreen-er.

+The storytelling devices used in this are bad ass. Going back and forth in time and place and from one POV to another all seamlessly. You kinda never know where one chapter will lead, but it’s always to somewhere awesome. +BUBASTIS, pet cat-lynx hybrid of Ozymandias

+DARK! R-rated, great villains. Lots of blood and guts and floaty corpses.

Deltas – SPOILER ALERT

-Would have liked more of Moloch, as well as a glimpse into the relationship of the 2 gay Minutemen! I’m assuming they were Mothman and Dollar Bill? Moloch and more of the old-timey villains.

-Would have liked about 5 more pages added showing the new batch of costumed adventurers in their crime-fighting prime. Pre-guts, though the guts were fabulous.

-Anti-climactic death for Rorshach. I coulda gone for something a little more epic. He still could killed right there, maybe I just wanted him to say more of a zinger.

-I’m a little confused as to why guilt works on Dr. Manhattan (cancer implications) at the beginning. It seems a being like him wouldn’t give a crap about what people say. I guess the reason the guilt works is because then there’d be no story if it didn’t.

-Would’ve liked a little more time spent on the island of artists and kidnappees. -Would’ve liked to see Bubastis come back, particles re-arranged, as Doctor Manhattan’s cosmic pet! That’s not a complaint, just wishful thinking. Bubastis reminded me of Bojo!

THE MOVIE!!! I am so pumped for it! I love, love, love Zack Snyder and 300 is in my top movies of all time, not in a cheeky way but in a for real way. (Sequel is listed on IMDB!!!) I think this movie is gonna please. I’m excited about the cast: ‘Little Children’ites Patrick Wilson and Jackie Earl Haley (THAT movie ruled). Billy Crudup’s Doctor Manhattan looks a little goofy in the trailer – a little too genie-from-Aladdin, but we’ll see.

My sister alleges she will be making her, me and my bf costumes to DRESS UP IN to go to the premier at Lloyd Center Mall. I am too lazy to offer to help, butt if it happens I’m gonna be Rorshach, that way I don’t have to make eye contact with anyone while I am dressed in a COSTUME at Regal Cinema 10.

Nuts for $10,000

January 29, 2009

      If you were watching “Jeopardy” tonight then you saw something straight-up crazy! Towards the end of the game, this guy – who had spent time working as a telemarketer- had like 20 thousand something bucks and his closest opponent had under 10 thousand.  The telemarketer gets the last clue which is a Daily Double and all he had to do was risk like a hundred bucks.  He already had the game locked up. Alex goes, “You know, if you make it a true Daily Double you’ll have a whopping sum of money” or something along those lines. So then Telemarketer gives a little laugh, in what appears to be a kind, humoring gesture towards Trebek, like Shah right, dude.  But what does he do? Telemarketer goes, “Hehe.  I’ll wager TEN THOUSAND.”  

HUH? I have NEVER seen anyone do this before! He’s crazy!  He’s gonna mess his pants, he’s gonna weep, maybe even gun-in-the-mouth despair when he realizes his mistake, right? No! He gets it RIGHT! Shoots up to 30something thousand bucks.  Shut my mouth.

At this point, I am exhilarated.  A crazy (unintentional) badass is among us!   I honestly don’t think he realized his wagering mistake!  BUTT it doesn’t end there!

So going into Final Jeopardy, the game is over, right? WRONG! Although Telemarketer has WAY more than half of his opponents’ scores, he wagers like $16,000! AND HE GETS IT RIGHT!!!!!!

He’s crazier than I thought!  While his opponents both got it wrong, IF the one guy had gotten it right AND Telemarketer had gotten it wrong, then TM woulda lost.  I have never seen anything like this in “Jeopardy”!

Telemarketer is either really, really, really bad at math and logic or is the ultimate Jeopardy Rogue.  Either way, it’ll be great TV tomorrow night!  Go Telemarketer!

P.S. The contestant stories on “Jeopardy” are usually horrible but the guy that lost tonight?  Best story ever: He was with his family fishing 3 miles off the coast of FL in shark-infested waters.  They found a man floating in the water, just clinging to life.. They brought him aboard, called Coastguard, and revived him.  Turns out, the guy was a wanted criminal with a huge rap sheet that included attempted murder.  This episode was DVD-worthy!

Haircut like a clown

January 28, 2009

Jam of the year! 

I can only listen when Seth isn’t in the room cuz he’s sick of me playing this. Luckily for him, I don’t have a job so me and the cats listen to this all day while he’s at work. Sucka.