Posts Tagged ‘BSG review’

Starbuck, Apollo: From sizzle to fizzle in the biggest bonerkill of all time

March 21, 2009

I think they’re alone now.

There doesn’t seem to be any one a-rou-nd.

Oh hell yeah. Here we go. This is gonna be epic. All that drama between them. Dualla, Anders, Baltar, the prostitute with the kid – lots of trysts for Starbuck and Apollo but we all know they belong together! Oh boy. Can’t wait. The finale isn’t really doing it for me but at least this story line will end with some fireworks. How can’t it? Given their history. The boxing match, the love proclamations on New Caprica in their little dirt plot of land, the time when Kara comes back from the dead and appears to Apollo and makes me ball my eyes out. It’s all there. We’re in for the ultimate love story to finally reach its CLIMAX! Starbuck and Apollo stand next to each other in the field of pretty, green grass. Here we go!:

“What are you gonna do now?”

“I’m gonna go climb mountains and swim oceans and harvest crops and blahbiddy blah”

Then Starbuck disappears.

Then pigeon Starbuck craps, disappears.

Then drunken Starbuck seduces drunken Apollo in a flashback on the kitchen table while Starbuck’s soon-to-be-dead fiance (and brother of Apollo) is passed out drunk on the couch 6 feet away.


Try again.

I’m going to rewind and see if anything changes.

Hmm. No luck.

Ok. I’m gonna go take a poop now and cross “Recommend BSG to everyone I know” off of my to-doo list. This is an official Fizzler of a finale.

It’s not even that Starbuck and Apollo didn’t get freaky. It’s the way things were ended. In the past, there were always obstacles keeping them apart. Dualla. Anders. Communication breakdowns. I loved it all. They were star-crossed, destined, blah blah blah. There was always something magical about all of their interactions.

Not no more. Season 4.5 dropped that ball. Inexplicably. There was no DRAMA in their relationship! No tension of any sort. So we get to the end and nothing happens. (Except we see them acting like bratty assholes while Zach Adama is passed out) There’s nothing to keep them from being together at the end. But for some reason, we are supposed to buy that things are somehow completely different between them because all of a sudden Starbuck has a destiny that must exclude Apollo? Starbuck flies away in her Angel Hummer to do promotional events for God? PFFFFT.

God rebuilds her raptor in season 3, sends her back to Apollo, and says, “Kara Thrace! I command thee! For all of season 4, Acteth Liketh a PRICK TEASE.”


All in close proximity will be pleased to know…I am now out of gas. Good night.


Battlestar Galactica Finale does NOT roll a hard six…. or five, or three, even.

March 21, 2009

For starters, here’s the link to see Katee Sackhoff speaking in Portland, Oregon where she SPOILS a chunk of the finale a week in advance.

Also, I might spell character names wrong, so if that’s a problem for you, take a dump and eat it.

Ok. It’s over. I’m immensely disappointed in the finale, but not surprised since season 4.5 has been going downhill ever since the mutiny ended and Gaeta got lit up.

Where to begin. Ugh. Pfft.

Admiral Adama abandons his son and flies away to watch President Martyr die in his raptor, live alone on a hill by her grave, and wither away. Alone. After everything he just went through with his BSG family. Oooookey doke.

President Martyr never gets any more Hera blood to heal her cancer. That whole CURE TO CANCER story line is never addressed. Aaaaalrighty then.

No one of importance gets KILLED. Tory does – that was satisfying – but not a heartbreaker. No heartbreaking deaths. A wee bit of a puss out.

At the end, everyone, after the ordeal they just went through that lasted 4 seasons, decides to just part ways and live on different continents on Earth Version 2.0. Wha?

So what about Earth Version 1.0 and its little Florida penis peninsula that was clearly visible? The Earth with too much nuclear radiation? Are there two Earths of the exact same build? It’s not time travel, there’s enough to disprove that. Someone please explain. Maybe there’s an easy answer, but I no understand.

I feel bad for the cylons that got no air time in season 4. The PR guy, the doctor, Leoben. To be cast as ONE of only 12 cylons on an immensely successful show and then to not ever get a satisfying frakking story line? Pfft.

Helo gets shot and needs a cane for about 7 minutes. That was the biggest casualty of the battle. Cavill kills himself, which I thought was awesome. And right after he almost gets the keys to the resurrection mobile after being told he’ll have to “take a quantum leap of faith” by Baltar. Something like that.

Baltar. Poor Baltar. His character got neutered right after his bad ass trial. An entire 4th season of his cult followers and the ultimate scientist gets turned into a religious peanut. Bummer. I love the actor that plays Baltar and I think he is perfect, I just think that story line at the finish was unfortunate. At least he and Cap 6 get together. Their little angel versions get together too and live forever. That means they get to live to see the bubonic plague, Limp Bizkit, Sarah Palin and the Ped Egg!

Angels. Everyone’s an angel all of a sudden. Starbuck. PUKE. That’s the explanation for her corpse in her plane? I thought she was the harbinger of death? Turns out the hybrids were just schizophrenics that poop in their own bath water.

Though I did like the scene where Ellen, Tigh, the Chief and Tory grab hold of Anders’ penis in the bathtub to see each others’ dirty laundry. Wonder if Tigh saw Ellen rubbing her foot all up on Apollo under the table? Maybe he’ll kill her again in their new mud hut in Abyssinia. After they find a way to make booze out of goat meat and sand.

Oh yeah – Anders dies, but that’s by choice, I guess. If he’s a robot and the other 4 cylons have the resurrection knowledge, they could technically build a resurrection base and bring back a new Anders. But they don’t. I loved Anders. Too bad.

BUTT if he didn’t die then Apollo and Starbuck wouldn’t be able to get it on, right? Right? So Anders is out of the picture! Apollo and Starbuck are alone in the African bush…

Stay tuned for the next blog to see how it ends!